Feeling the Feels

I am experiencing so many different emotions these days. It’s hard to know where to land with them, you know?

I’m grieving. I don’t think we will be going back to any kind of normal we had before this virus took hold. I wonder if we will return to hand shakes or stick with smiles and verbal greetings. I wonder if online school will gain ground or if we will send our children back to school with a new-found appreciation for our teachers. I wonder if our healthcare workers will be lauded for the heroes they are and if we will make sure they will always have the supplies they need moving forward.

I’m appreciative that I still have a roof over my head and food in my pantry and that most precious commodity, toilet paper, in my bathroom. I’m thankful every day for my health. I recognize how fortunate I am not to have to worry about a computer or internet service for my son to do some schoolwork. I have Netflix and hot coffee and the ability to keep paying my mortgage. None of that is lost on me right now – and honestly, it never should be.

I’m worried that instead of pulling us together as human beings, we will continue to let division grow. We are all in this together, and the only way out is through. We can recognize our similarities and love on each other, or we can keep harping on our differences and beating each other down. It’s going to be up to us.

I’m scared I will get sick. Every throat tickle or cough sends waves of anxiety through me. I wait, like everyone else, to see if I develop symptoms. My personal opinion is that we’ve likely been exposed many times. Now it’s just a waiting game to see if we get sick.

I’m hopeful that, in the long run, we will stop and remember that we are only as strong as the weakest among us. That our generosity of spirit and tolerance of differences is what will bring a collective healing. We have to look out for each other and take care of each other in all the ways. Right now, that looks like intubating a patient and ringing up groceries and teaching an online lesson and playing Scrabble and simply, staying (the fuck) at home.

I’m feeling a lot. I know most everyone is. It’s overwhelming, but you know what? This is an overwhelming time. It’s ok to feel whatever we need to. So I will sit here with my coffee and put all my overwhelming feelings into my writing, and I will feel a little less alone because I know you’re probably feeling – at least a little bit – the same.

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