I recently celebrated the only birthday I’ve ever dreaded. Does that even make sense? Let me see if I can clarify what I mean.

When I was in my 20’s and early 30’s, I experienced some pretty big losses. People I knew and loved died far too soon and far too young. I decided then that every birthday is a gift, so I have never minded aging, and I don’t try to “look younger” or stress too much about the little aches and pains that are creeping up on me these days.

But for some reason, approaching 55 was really bumming me out and getting me down. It seemed so, well, old. I kept my thoughts about this to myself for a while because I know, as I said before, that aging is a gift, and generally speaking, I’m healthy and happy.

Eventually, I shared my feelings with my husband and my best friend (who were also approaching this particular birthday). Neither of them judged me for feeling this way, and although we all agreed that we can feel ourselves slowing down in life, we still have many good years ahead of us – we hope.

I feel like it was sort of a “taking stock of my life” birthday.

I can see where certain choices I made changed the trajectory of my life. I can see where I made huge mistakes and didn’t listen to my inner voice, and instead, chose to let someone else make life decisions for me. I can see where I squandered certain times in my life because I was exhausted or depressed.

I can also see where I chose to keep going, to have hope, and to take action. I can see where my past trauma changed me deeply and in many ways, for the better. I can see how my soul has sort of quieted over the past decade and how a certain peace has settled there that I didn’t have when I was younger.

I am embracing the wisdom that comes from being older as I watch my two adult children navigate their lives. I am hopeful for happy lives for both of them – and hopeful for myself to get to experience being a grandparent. My kids are truly the greatest joys of my life.

I live in the deep satisfaction of being in a marriage that feels safe and sustaining – something I longed for and manifested with some pretty magical list-making back in 2015. What a blessing my sweet J has been.

So why was I dreading this birthday? I think our society so prizes youth, and even those of us who don’t buy into it sometimes get sucked in. I think I did. I’m human.

Don’t believe that hype, people! Aging is a gift denied to many, and those of us who are still here can live life to the fullest in honor of those who are gone. We can see each day, month, and year as the gifts that they are. We can share our wisdom and life experiences.

And we can get those sweet AARP discounts too!