Once

first published 11/10/16

 

There was this one time I didn’t get what I wanted.

It was a big thing that I wanted. The thing I wanted affected my life and my children’s lives. I changed some of my own behaviors in order to make that thing better. I talked about that thing. I prayed about that thing. I worked my damn ass off at that thing. I campaigned hard for that thing.

But that thing I wanted? It also depended on the desires and cooperation of someone else. That person’s desires were diametrically opposed to my own. I tried like hell to convince and cajole, and I swear my reasons for what I wanted made more sense and hurt fewer people.

My efforts didn’t work.

And then, in complete disbelief, I had to watch that thing crumble. I had to watch that thing slip right out of my grasp. I had to watch that thing fail. I eventually had to concede and be the one to pull the plug on the whole she-bang. And then I had to explain the failure of that thing – which affected them too and which made absolutely ZERO sense to me – to my kids.

It broke me for a while. I was embarrassed. I cried. I grieved. I protested. How could this be?

What.

The.

Actual.

Fuck?

It will never – ever – make sense to me, but I have learned to accept it and live with it even through a tremendous amount of rage. That rage propelled me to learn. I learned some massive lessons in grace, integrity, compassion, and love. I learned that even when you’re incredibly hurt and disappointed, you still get to choose how to conduct yourself. I learned that you can live your life in fear and denial, or you can step right through that fear and continue to shine a light of integrity, kindness, and love on everyone you come in contact with – even when you disagree with them.

Even the biggest shit piles that life throws at us hold beautiful gifts, my friends. We just have to be open to them, willing to find them – or go out create them ourselves.

So that time I didn’t get what I wanted?

It turned out just fine.

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